Ultimate Douchebag’s Guide to Launching an ICO Part 2: Know Your Audience

There are basically three types of people who invest in ICOs, and if you’re going to ask them to fund your early retirement, you’d better know how to identify and communicate with them. In this installment of the Ultimate Douchebag’s Guide to Launching an ICO, we’ll teach you how to do just that. So quit fucking around and pay attention, douchebags, because this one is well worth its weight in cryptographic tokens.


In Part 1 of the Ultimate Douchebag’s Guide to Launching an ICO, the lovable ass clowns 🍑 🤡 at Tokenicide decided to put on our scary makeup and show you how to maximize the ROI of your ICO fundraise by utilizing slave labor. For Part 2, we’ve decided to completely disembowel our moral compass and are going full-on Pennywise circa 2017…

Scary clown makeup on fleek!

Audience Identification

We’ve classified the three most common types of ICO investors as follows:

Worst. ICO. Ever.

Protocolists

Protocolists believe in blockchain technology, and get their name from a tendency to say things like: “I typically only invest in protocol-level projects.” Protocolists tend to be HODLers and have an intense dislike for the vast majority of ICOs, considering them scams and money grabs that do nothing to advance the “promise of blockchain.”

If your objective is to make a fuckton of money in crypto, protocolists can be incredibly annoying. Come to think of it, protocolists sound an awful lot like us. 🤔

Furthermore, given their strong belief in the technology, protocolists have probably convinced themselves that by investing in ICOs they are somehow helping the future of humanity. Whatever. 🙄

Oh my my my! Why does it keep dropping?

Weak Hands

Weak Hands are typicality noobs to the world of crypto investing, i.e., people who have no business whatsoever investing in crypto (or really anything for that matter). The ones who first started paying attention to (and investing in) Bitcoin at the end of 2017. And the ones who sold it after it had lost over half of its value. The only lesson they learned from that experience is to be sure and sell quicker once the price starts to fall.

The fact that so many weak hands manage to figure out how to invest in ICOs in the first place remains something of a mystery. 🤔

Excellent…

Ballers

Ballers only care about one thing: making as much money as possible. It doesn’t matter how they get there or what the project is about, as long as they can make a fuckton of money in the process. Ballers may give occasional lip service to their belief that blockchain technology  can benefit humanity, but don’t be fooled. They don’t give a fuck. The only benefit they care about is a larger portfolio and the only human they care about is themselves.

FUN FACT: Although not all ballers are douchebags, all douchebags think they’re ballers. The only way to know for sure is by checking the size of their portfolio, because in this competition, size really does matter. 🤑


Audience Communication

Now that you can identify the three types of ICO investors, you need to know how to communicate with them.

Ballers

Since the interests of you and the ballers are the most closely aligned (making as much money as possible), effectively communicating with them is your number one priority. If they believe you will take care of them (e.g., because you signaled that your goal is not to exit scam but to “go through the motions” and pump your tokens until right before they vest 6-12 months post-ICO), they’ll make sure you hit your hard cap and ride along with you until it’s time for everyone to dump. The weak hands can be the bag holders (they do serve some purpose, after all).

For the ballers, the project itself doesn’t matter. As far as they’re concerned, you could be developing a blockchain-powered condom dispenser that only works in the Vatican–as long as you can show them how they will get rich by investing in it, and that you won’t fuck them over in the process, they’ll do it.

Don’t try this for real, though. Unless you happen to be the second coming of Bernie Madoff, you won’t be able to palm this off on any real ballers…(giggle)…”palm off”…(snicker)…”ballers” 🤭

Weak Hands

The least important audience is probably the weak hands, although having too many in your ICO can be dangerous. Just hearing the word “FUD” can send them into a tizzy and cause them to unload all of your tokens, regardless of their valuation. This can cause the ballers to lose faith in your ability to deliver and they might follow suit. As a result, you either need to slap the weak hands away from your ICO or spend extra time holding those …. icky … weak … hands 🤢 … eww gross gross gross … 🤮

Protocolists

That leaves the protocolists. The major problem with the protocolists is that if they suspect your project is a scam or that you are leveraging blockchain solely to make a buck, they might fire up the old waambulance and go on a crusade against you.

There we they go again! 🙄

And if we they make too much racket, it may cause both the weak hands and the ballers to lose faith and either stay away or get out. So the best way to handle the protocolists is simply to make your project appear “just legit enough” to keep it off their radar screen.


And with that concludes installment number 2 of the Ultimate Douchebag’s Guide to Launching an ICO. If you have any comments please feel free to share them below. And if you know anyone who might appreciate reading it (or who might not appreciate reading it for that matter) please share it with them. 😊

Otherwise, you’ll have to excuse us while we go take a very long shower…in fact we may just have to remove the top layer of skin while we’re at it.

Post Author: Grant

Entertainment, Social Media & Cryptocurrency Attorney; ICO Advisor; Founder of Antipodal Talent 美中人才; U.S. Army Veteran