Ultimate Douchebag’s Guide to Launching an ICO Part 1: Build Your Pyramid Scheme Just Like the Egyptians Did With Free Labor

After spending the past month and a half writing about some of the worst aspects of the current “ICO ecosystem,” the only thing we have to show for it is one of our resident ass clowns 🍑🤡 getting doxed by an ICObench expert…

Not sure why you’d want to dox an ass clown who carries a gun, but ICObench experts aren’t known for their mental acuity… 🤔

Even though we’re actually kind of proud of that, writing nothing but mamby-pamby “oh look how terrible the ICO space has become” screeds gets a bit tiresome after a while. So instead of just crying while the bad actors continue to make millions of dollars peddling shit projects, we thought we’d shift gears and show you how to make millions of dollars peddling shit projects! 😃

Yeah, yeah, we know. “The ICO space is terrible.” Pardon us while we go make a few more millies. Stupid baby. In your stupid wambulance. 😒

With that we now present our first entry in the Ultimate Douchebag’s Guide to Launching an ICO where we explain how to start building your ICO empire on the cheap…

Where to Find the Free Labor? On the Internets, Babushka!

Every successful ICO needs a Team, but even if you plan on populating your marketing materials with Ryan Goslings and Jennifer Anistons, you still need to have people to do the stuff to make your ICO go. Never fear, though, because the Internet machine is full of unsuspecting losers whom you can easily manipulate to work on your project for next to nothing.

There’s a Reason They’re Called Freelancers

Where do you find these people? On Upwork and Fiverr, of course.

Why pay a living wage when you can git-r-done a lot cheaper (and a lot quicker) here? Duh.

As any self-respecting douchebag knows, when you need something done and you don’t want to have to deal with annoying things like “minimum wage” and “employee rights,” Upwork and Fiverr are your go to human resource solution providers. Better yet, thanks to the magic of blockchain, if you play your cards right, you can fill your entire ICO team for next to nothing. Time to get learnt…

The Token Bait and Switch

The “cryptographic token” has to be one of the greatest gifts ever bestowed upon purveyors of douchebaggery

Here is a step-by-step guide for manipulating freelancers to work for free (or pretty darn close):

  1. Post all the ICO-related jobs you need filled on multiple freelancing sites, offering a nice payment in fiat currency for each, anywhere from $5,000 to $20,000 depending on the skills required.
  2. Schedule as many phone-based interviews as you can, 10-15 minutes each, tops, and ignore anyone who wants to bother you with text-based queries like “is this legit?” or “are you just paying in tokens?”
  3. Do all phone interviews with your confidence on fleek–convince them that your ICO is going to make Telegram’s look like BitConnect (also make sure to get contact information that is off the freelance platform).
  4. Once you’ve got dozens of applicants all jonesing to become millionaires with you, pop the “will you accept tokens for payment?” question (using the aforementioned contact information that is off the freelance platform).
  5. Anyone who says yes sign up immediately, and anyone who says no, tell them “okay we can do it for regular pay” and just leave them hanging (losers).
  6. Repeat steps 1-5 until you’ve got your team.

There you go. Done and done. A full ICO team to be paid in tokens AFTER the ICO closes. Whether you actually pay them in tokens is entirely up to your inner douchebag. Stay tuned for Part 2…

IMPORTANT NOTE: OBVIOUSLY THIS ARTICLE IS MEANT TO BE SATIRICAL AND THIS SORT OF THING DOESN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN FOR REAL IN THE ICO SPACE…MUCH…OR AT LEAST NOT ALL THE TIME…THAT WE KNOW OF. 😐

Post Author: Grant

Entertainment, Social Media & Cryptocurrency Attorney; ICO Advisor; Founder of Antipodal Talent 美中人才; U.S. Army Veteran

2 thoughts on “Ultimate Douchebag’s Guide to Launching an ICO Part 1: Build Your Pyramid Scheme Just Like the Egyptians Did With Free Labor

    Lori

    (November 30, 2018 - 12:10 am)

    Offensive, yet hilarious.
    Crypto likes their leaders a little crazy anyway.
    Regarding the thorough Doxing- Anyone who refers to anyone else as a “common” anything- is the asshole. Not the one being pointed AT – the one doing the pointing- Fake Lions, that’s textbook grade 3 low IQ bully stuff. You are way way better than that sorry turd- even as a cowboy-in-the-new-Wild-West. Yes, I will read and read and read what you write from now on. #fanofgrant

      Grant

      (November 30, 2018 - 2:18 am)

      Thanks! Believe it or not Doug and I have made amends. We both realize there are much bigger problems in the crypto space than each other.

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